When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat?

The title, a quote I hope you recognize from Chuck Palahniuk, is as always a reflection of how I am feeling now.

The future. What a funny old thing. You hit your groove, you feel good about life, shit is going alright. The present is looking good. Hell, maybe the future is too. Then something happens. Maybe someone happens. Life is not in your control anymore. Life just happens to you. Isn’t it funny how you can love someone and you can feel really close to them but sometimes when you’re fighting with them they feel like an alien? Sometimes you can see the person you love and it’s maddening because you can’t reach them. But sometimes you can’t even see them. You feel like maybe you used to know this person but you sure as shit don’t know them now because the person you love would never say these things to you. The person you love would protect you and comfort you, not watch you cry. The person you love would understand how you feel and wouldn’t want you to feel that way anymore. They’d do something, a gesture, something humanizing that says hey I’m still here. But this person doesn’t.

Isn’t that funny?

No, it’s not funny. It’s maddening and frustrating and exhausting and terrifying. It’s like Cassandra, always trying to tell the truth but everyone just laughs at her. You can say your piece until you’re blue in the face but nobody listens. Nobody gives a fuck. Apollo used to love Cassandra and my boyfriend used to love me but what the fuck do either of us have now? A whole lot of grief, and nothing to show for it.

How do you make a life with someone? How do you listen to 1,000 I love yous and 1,000 I can’t do thises? 1,000 you’re amazings and 1,000 you’re terribles? 1,000 I want to marry yous and 1,000 I don’t know if this is going to works? How do you love someone but not ever really want to try when it gets even a little bit rough? How do you look someone in the face as you tell them you’re leaving, just to come back and pretend everything is good again? And then, when they rebuild trust in you and start to feel even a little bit stable, how do you take it all back and walk out again? Doesn’t your heart hurt like mine does? Don’t you want to just say sorry and cry and sleep in each other’s arms? I know I do.

But the future isn’t a promise anymore. It’s a threat.

 

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About theawkwardduckling

You've been running a long time not to've got any further off than mealtime. View all posts by theawkwardduckling

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