The above gif is how I have been handling life lately. Getting scared, timidly trying to attack it, then getting scared again and running off. I have been focusing on all the things that haven’t gone according to plan (which I should be used to by now, as 90% of my life has gone very much off book) instead of being grateful for all the good things I have. So instead of churning out another ‘woe is me’ blog post, Ima focus on the good stuff. And there is one thing in particular in my life that is very good.
In less than a month’s time, it will be the second anniversary of my first date with my boyfriend. We met at a tiny bar in a small town not far from where I grew up on 31 December 2011, and that night he asked me out. We went for drinks on Monday, and we’ve been together ever since. That’s not to say it has been smooth sailing, because it hasn’t (what relationship is?), but it has been the greatest adventure of my life. Learning how to love somebody and to put their needs tantamount to your own is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Trying to get what I wanted and needed out of life got exponentially more difficult with the addition of a second person, but I can honestly say without hesitation that I would rather my life be complicated with him than simple without.
I’ve been keeping a diary for the past few months and filling it with memories from our early days and hopes for the future and things I love about him, and it’s made me realize how lucky I really am. I could bemoan the fact that X, Y, and Z have gone well off course, but why should I be unhappy when every night I come home to the only thing I really want? A lot of people are driven by career, especially in my generation, but I can’t help but be a sucker for love. Yes I have dreams and aspirations (I’m dying to work with a good non-profit, something welfare-based like the ASPCA or a food bank), but I’d take a shitty job over my dream job if it meant protecting my relationship. I can’t help that I’m a hopeless romantic, it’s just who I am. You’d think with my background (dad divorced three times, mother divorced twice and perpetually teetering on the brink of a third) I’d be a lot more cynical about love. If anything, my parent’s actions have shown me that the human spirit needs love. Why else would they put themselves up for the same heartache if the reward weren’t greater than the risk?
Long story short, that’s what I’m focusing on. All the bad stuff can come my way as long as I can keep waking up to the face I love. Humans can endure a lot of shit so long as they have something worth surviving for. So what’s my new life plan? Fix my hair, adjust my boobs, and enjoy.
(Obviously the above gif is not me. I’d have a job in no time if it were.)
The Awkward Duckling